Just

In an effort to reconcile my mixed feelings about going back to work on Monday, I'm trying to figure out what exactly I accomplished over the last three and a half months. See, I had deemed my leave from work, a maternity sabbatical, rather than something HR could classify as short term disability. I was going to visit friends from coast to coast; I was finally going to write that book; I was going to garden, redo our patio, and host multiple parties lawn side; I was going to have play dates with Cristine (sorry, totally spaced on Thursday) and lunches at the Zoo with Peter; I was going to go to Mass everyday and read the Bible cover to cover. I was going to have a baby, make a million cakes, and eat every single one of them. Long story short, I didn't do any of that. Not one stinking thing. And I'm sitting here wondering how - how was that possible?

Cue the 'aha!' moment. Mary. Motherhood. Took up all my time. I can't market, sell, or account for what I accomplished over the last three and a half months, but giving the best care I could to my little girl was the most valuable experience ever.

Admittedly, and I'm honestly embarrassed to say this, I used to qualify house mothers with a 'just.' Oh, she's 'just a stay at home mom.' (Eek.) It was a demeaning statement filled with ignorance. And I apologize for it, enlightened by my non-stop, full-time, often exhausting role taking care of Mary.

As the daughter of a power mom, and niece, friend and colleague to many more, I've spent a lifetime culturing an innate urge to work, nickel and dime every activity I did and watch my deposits add up. I had high flying places to go, problems to solve, and things to say. After landing a dream job, putting my heart and soul into it, and finding myself on an exciting professional trajectory, I never once thought about leaving my career for house work. But on my so called sabbatical, I certainly got an education - Mary care is the most rewarding, meaningful and important job I can do. And I'm a little sad that I can't make it my full-time career.

Why? There are a lot of reasons, but the biggest one is because it doesn't pay. The government doesn't subsidize it, there are no private investors lining up to my fund it, and I was buying cocktail dresses and shoes when I could have been saving to support it.

Mary, I know you are just a baby, but I'm nervous that you are going to think that I have abandoned you tomorrow morning. And I'm sorry that you might get scared. But know that when I leave you in the expert care of my helping hands tomorrow, our time apart is just temporary. Know that in the taste of your milk and the smell of your freshly laundered blanket, I am still with you. And know that you are still with Mommy - on my desk, across my computer, in my heart. Know that while the work I did watching you every day was irreplaceable, I'm helping other children and families now too.

I'm going to work because I want to make sure your home is always comfy and cozy. Because I want to take you back to Edgartown again and all around the world. Because I want you to be able to go to the college of your choice. (Although, you're still applying for every scholarship they offer.)

I'm going back to work because I want to help make sure that if you and Mommy and Daddy ever need a Home Away From Home, we will have one. Because I want to make sure that all children can get the kind of care you have received over the past three and a half months. Because I really love the work that I do - I love telling the stories of other children, even little babies like you, and their families and how our programs helped them heal. And because, yes, I want your brothers and sisters to inherit a little ketchup in their veins as well.

I'm going back to work because I want to be able to tell you stories of the far-reaching adventures I've had and I want you to have adventures all your own. Most importantly, I'm going back to work because I want to make sure that every minute I spend with you is a cherished one.

Know that I'll be counting down till pick-up time and that every hour in the evening will be dedicated just to you and daddy. 

Lo / Mommy